


In My Mind

by bottledyarn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-19 11:19:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/572704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bottledyarn/pseuds/bottledyarn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam develops an eating disorder and starts to lose control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Originally by request on my tumblr.

It started slowly. At first it would just be skipping dessert, ideas of being fitter, less average, popping into his head. Liam had always felt average physically- not ugly, just…not ‘hot’. Everyone in the band was skinny and muscular, and there he was, just average. 

After weeks of declining that extra ice cream or cake, he hadn’t noticed anything different. He’d gone to the gym every day, worked out until his arms shook or until one of the boys told him he should go home. 

When nothing changed, he found himself almost gagging on most food he ate, and ended up laying his fork down before ever eating a full bite. The strange thing was, he wasn’t that hungry- he’d go for a day or two without eating a single meal, just vegetables and water with vitamins mixed in.

The trouble was, after that long he would lose control and end up eating way too much- he’d be walking through his kitchen, getting a glass of water, and he’d end up devouring a full bag of potato chips and a bar of chocolate. 

The first time it happened, he just sat in his living room and felt disgusting. His stomach protruded slightly with the mass of food he’d eaten, and he felt tired and worst of all, he felt fat.

It went like that for weeks- he’d eat nothing for days, and then eat tons of junk food. He actually started gaining weight, and that was when he realized that even though he couldn’t control the starving nor the binging, he could easily undo the binging.

While throwing up the huge masses of food he ate started bringing his weight down, finally, it did get Niall’s notice- they were hanging out at his place and Niall noticed that Liam’s teeth looked weird. It had been almost a year, so Liam had thought that the other boys would never notice. 

They did notice that he was considerably thinner, suddenly the skinniest in the band, but they thought it was because of his strict workout regime. 

“Liam, you have a chip in your tooth,” Niall said, leaning closer.

“What?” Liam said, his hand clapping to his mouth. He was always so careful about brushing his teeth after throwing up, he knew how destructive bile could be.

“Let me see?” Niall asked, prying his hand away. “Oh my god, Liam, you should really go to a dentist. Your teeth are all messed up in the back.”

“Fine!” Liam snapped, jumping up and away from Niall. “I’ll go, okay!”

Niall looked confused and hurt. “Are you okay?”  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Niall shook his head. “I dunno, mate, you’ve just seemed kind of distant for a while.”

Liam closed his eyes. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Do you mind if I stay?”

“No, go ahead,” Liam said, striding off to his bathroom.

While in the shower, Liam took a few minutes to calm down, convincing himself that Niall wouldn’t have any clue why he had messed up teeth. He wouldn’t instinctively know that the issue was bile and not lack of brushing.

He could just barely feel the chip in his tooth, a little dent along the bottom of one of his teeth. He didn’t realize he was crying until he got out of the shower and still felt the liquid. 

It was strange, to suddenly start thinking about the consequences. But he could control it, he could stop it, and until he lost that capability, he wouldn’t worry.

Liam grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, leaving the bathroom so he could put on pajamas instead of getting into his dirty clothes again. When he was walking through the kitchen, Niall came through one of the doors and pulled short.

“Oh,” Niall said, pausing. They stood there for a moment silently.

Niall frowned. “You’re a lot skinnier than I thought you were.”

“I’ve been working out a lot,” Liam said tensely, clutching the towel.

“I can see your entire ribcage, Liam,” Niall said, moving closer. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine!” Liam yelled, pushing Niall back. “Just leave me alone!”

Niall shook his head. “You’re not fine, Liam.”

“I really am,” Liam said, shoving past Niall and rushing towards his room to get dressed. Niall followed him.

“You’re too skinny, Liam. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen you eat anything in months, just those ridiculous vitamin-infused waters.”

“Just because you haven’t seen me eating doesn’t mean I haven’t.”

Liam threw on a t-shirt, pants and jeans, rolling his eyes when Niall turned away modestly.

“I’m worried about you,” Niall said, his hand brushing over Liam’s shoulder.

Liam shrugged it off, shaking his head. “Don’t be.”

He moved past Niall to go back to the kitchen, grabbing out an apple. “See, Niall? I eat.”

He took a bite of the apple, swallowing it dramatically.

Niall looked even sadder. “Eat an entire meal with me,” he said. “And then stay at the table with me for a few hours.”

“Fine,” Liam said. “What do you want to eat?”

“Pizza…salad…cake.”

Liam cringed, but pushed on. “Okay. When?”

“Right now, let’s go.”

Niall tugged Liam by the hand out the door, shoving him into the first cab that stopped.

Liam took a few breaths as they got out of the cab and headed into a pizza place. Niall was still holding his hand, as if sensing Liam’s anxiety about this.

Niall ordered a medium pizza that could serve eight, and nodded at it without taking any. Liam took a piece, feeling his breath irrationally speed up. The pointed end touched his lips and he couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth. He closed his eyes, taking a short gasping breath.

“You alright, Liam?” Niall asked quietly.

“Give me a second,” Liam gasped, feeling his throat close up. “I can do this.”  
“Liam.”

“Just wait,” Liam said louder, opening his eyes. Niall was shaking his head, his eyes wide with worry and fear.

“Liam, stop.”

Liam dropped the pizza and put his head in his hands, trying to push back his tears.

“Let’s go,” Niall said, standing up and dropping a few bills on the table.

Liam stood up, sniffling. “I’m okay,” he insisted, letting Niall lead him out of the parlor.

Niall glanced back at him, his own eyes slightly wet. “We’re going to the hospital, and then I’m finding you a therapist of some kind.”

“The hospital?” Liam asked incredulously. “I don’t need to go to the hospital, I just need to go home.”

“No, I know some things about…eating disorders,” Niall said hesitantly. “I know that people need real help to get past them.”

It took eight months to get Liam back to an ‘appropriate’ weight. Somewhere in the middle of those months, his and Niall’s just-more-than-friends, hand-holding relationship moved closer, and the day that Liam was officially cleared from regular psychological and physical therapy, Niall kissed him happily, pulling him out of the office just as he’d pulled him in.

It wasn’t all perfect. Liam would panic every time he ate a large meal or gained a few pounds, and Niall would tow him back to the therapist for a session. But the breakdowns got less and less common. Something about having Niall always there, reassuring that he was perfect helped. People always tell girls that they’re beautiful, perfect. They’d even sung about it. But nobody ever tells boys that they’re beautiful, handsome, perfect. It’s not ‘manly’ to feel insecure. But without anybody reminding you that you’re beautiful, how can you not be insecure?

Liam had never had someone there, telling him he was perfect. When he’d dated girls, he’d always been the one giving out compliments. The girls would occasionally say things like ‘Oh, it’s so nice that you dressed up’, but…they would never say ‘You are perfect’.

The doctors told him that on the path he’d been headed down, he might have died in a few years if he hadn’t come in. At a certain weight, heart failure became ridiculously common. Not only that, his teeth would have started chipping, falling out…self-destructing, really. Without Niall, he’d be disfigured or dead by now or within a few years.

Liam made sure to remind Niall that he was perfect, too- he knew that if he were to let Niall start feeling insecure, he would never forgive himself. The other boys thought they were strange, for acting constantly careful, supportive, loving. But they knew that they needed each other, needed to bring each other out of any small downfalls in their life or self-image. They knew it was important, especially after Liam’s fall.


End file.
